Four years ago we were headed to a Christmas tournament when our caravan hit a reindeer. Needless to say Christmas was ruined that year. Thinking we had destroyed the dreams of small children everywhere we strapped it to the roof of our car. Turned out it was still alive. Tokarz came to on the roof and started flailing around up there. We canceled our appointment with the taxidermist, took her down and strapped her in the back seat. Little known fact, reindeer are really good at soccer. Who knew? Taylor's eyes still haven't straightened out since the accident but she's been kicking it with us anyway. We're not sure what the eligibility requirements are for cross-eyed quadrupeds but we've never been one to follow rules anyhow.
Guten Tag! Sprechen sie pretzel? Frau Holbrook says "Mir gefällt Deutschland" and furthermore, Farfegnugen zig haagen daz schweinsteiger vot volkswagen habermas fussball Nein ! Nein! Nein! Das verboten adidas klinsmann....... ah, something about waffles, beer and Oktoberfest. You'll have to ask Claudia what it all means.
Catherine is quiet. She maintains a low profile on the internet. In fact this is the only evidence she exists on the interwebs. Now perhaps it's because she's a cyclops, but who knows for sure? From the way she passes you'd think she has eyes in the back of her head. Or would it be eye in the back of her head? Either way, if you see player with a Georgia jersey and a quarter of a face, that's Catherine. Say hi, but speak into her ear.
Mariah has very little in the way of compromising photographs on social media so we've tried to bring you the Mariah 50/50 ball experience. Scary, isn't it?
I know Em looks pretty happy here, but this is no laughing matter. She has a serious problem with food. Recently her motor skills have been affected to the point she can't get food in her mouth. We've had to shave her head to get out cheese, peeps, lollipops, etc. (see photo). She's nearly poked her eyes out on several occasions with everything from licorice to asparagus. Just last week she got a pixie stick stuck in her nose. She got all her homework for the semester done in one night, then fell asleep for two days.
Someone needs to be a little more adventurous when it comes to taking embarrassing photographs and sharing them with the world.
How many times do we have to tell you people, please do not feed the soccer players. We just got Emily off the pixie sticks, and now the only thing more glazed than Carlye's eyes are the donuts she's got a hold of. At least she isn't coloring her face in with donuts yet and she'll keep her hair, which is more than we can say for other players here.
Your avoidance of social media will cost you a giraffe face this semester. A small price to pay for anonymity. You should win everything in the air this semester with a neck like that.
Katy is the love-child of Macy Gray and Hulk Hogan. What's up with that small cat child photobombing this profile pic!? It's really freaking me out. I have a strong aversion to cats and children. This is the perfect storm. Sorry, focus. This is about Katy. Katy has a genetic predisposition to jump up on the bench, tear her jersey in half, and put her hand to her ear. Then she starts yelling, "What are you gonna do when Katy-mania runs wild on you?!" Well... what are you going to do?
Devin is back with the team after a short sabbatical. Nobody really knows where she went but from what we can tell she was either suffering from leprosy, or was getting an associates degree in leprechauning. Either way, we're glad she's back and hopefully she'll help lead us to the pot of gold at the end of the regional rainbow.
What happens when you have no social media presence on this team.... You get llama'ed.
Things you need to know about Kerrie so you might avoid this face.
She has a very keen sense of smell.
She doesn't appreciate your judgement of Rivers.
DON'T HUG HER. Don't even try.
She wants you to keep your shirt on.
Kerrie doesn't like to commit to anything beyond what she's going to eat next.
Don't diss the sailing club... seriously.
Maybe it's just your face and you get this response from lots of people.
Becca was a Bollywood performer before making her way to the club. Her favorite movies are Slumdog Millionaire and Bend It Like Beckham. She is constantly trying to decorate all the players with Henna tattoos. However, it's incredibly difficult to throw the ball in with that stuff all over your hands, plus it's a dead giveaway for a handball so we've tried to curtail her from coloring our players in. We've been considering moving Becca to forward just so we could see a cool goal celebration. I imagine the whole team joining in and it lasts for like 6 minutes and even our opponents can't help but get in on it. Soon all the parents, coaches, refs are all getting their Bollywood on.
As you can see Kyle was considering a career in fire prevention until she found out you have to walk up stairs with all that stuff on. "You're kidding right? This is a joke. I can't even breathe right now and you want me to what? I've used all the oxygen shuffling over here!" She spent most of the summer taking all that equipment off and enrolled just in time to join the club. She's traded her enormous fire cap for her goalkeeping visor and will hopefully stop sliding down the goal posts whenever the ref blows the whistle.
Lindsey loves America, the color green, and has tried to change her name several times to Ellis. She's so American the only way we could get her right arm out of the air was through corporate sponsorship, thanks Starbucks. We still have to explain to Lindsey she can't play with a flaming torch during the game. Several girls have had their hair singed during pregame, it's a mess. If you listen closely she can be heard during games saying, "give me your through balls, your crosses, your loose balls yearning for the goal."
We discovered Mary when she was on tour with a traveling kabuki theater company. It's been a few years now but she really loves that kimono, won't take it off. We've thought about adjusting our uniform standards to make her feel more comfortable but the girls won't budge on kimono uniforms. She also carries a jar of wasabi with her everywhere she goes. One of her favorite things to do is to go to Mexican restaurants and tell people it's guacamole. I can't count the number of times the team has had to eat and run because of this.
I know what you're thinking, college kid passed out on the quad after a long weekend. Actually Justine is just really into agronomy, you know, she loves grass. Not like that! (See Jordan). Be it Bent, Blue, or Bermuda grass Justine has put her face on it. Unfortunately with the prevalence of artificial turf Justine has gone to the hospital several times due to inhalation of rubber pellets.
When she isn't playing soccer Mary Beth has become a sort of super hero for folks with dyslexia. Here she can be seen having just saved a Jay Z and Beyonce fan's newborn baby. She's getting pretty good too. Didn't even have to put the cell phone down for this one. Nice work.
Oh dear! Jordan hit the offseason pretty hard this year. And offseason is definitely not a euphemism for anything. This explains why our pre-game playlist suddenly included 30 songs by Bob Marley, and the theme song from COPS. We have noticed that Jordan has decided to play in slow motion this season and it seems someone has replaced our half time orange peels with Doritos. She also won't stop answering every question you ask her with irie.
Andrea has a gambling problem. First she bet the US women would win the world cup or she would grow a mustache until the next WWC. Then she guaranteed that Spain would make it out of group play and Costa Rica would never get out of their group or she would go streaking down Clayton Street. This photograph was taken just as Costa Rica clinched a spot in the knock out round of this year's world cup. Andrea may not be available for some games this year due to court dates.
Holly has an unhealthy relationship with comic book characters. There have been several episodes at hotels around the southeast where we've had to pull her back through windows. One time at Virginia Tech we almost lost her. We didn't get to the window in time, but thankfully we were four stories above the pool. She made a medium size splash and that was about it. When we got her out of the pool we tried to reason with her that she couldn't fly. She looked at us like we were crazy and said, "obviously, I thought I parked my plane out side the window." She was dressed as Wonder Woman at the time. Just to be safe we've requested all first floor rooms for each of our tournaments this year.
Remember a few years back when Red Bull dropped some guy from the edge of the atmosphere back down to earth? What you may not have seen in the clip is shortly after the guy jumped out of the craft the support technician accidentally dropped a soccer ball, essentially from space. This ball hurdled toward the earth's surface until it eventually landed on Hayley's head, as seen here. Some people think Hayley is pretty tall now, but before the space ball accident she was like 6"4'. Poor kid has no neck anymore. She had blonde hair just before this was taken.
Ally isn't so sure what you're about to do is a really good idea right now. In fact everything about her face says you should reconsider this life changing decision you're about to make. I mean she's gonna be really upset with you if you go through with this poorly thought out plan. She's prepared to leave you right here right now if you do it, she might even smack you in the face. That's how seriously disturbed this face is when it comes to what you are thinking about doing. So Don't!
Amel used to front a 90's R&B cover band called New Sensations seen here. They toured the southeast covering classic tunes by Boyz II Men, Jodeci, Dru Hill, Mariah Carey, and other 90's artists. Mel does a particularly good Gloria Estefan and Whitney Houston. She realized that since nobody reading this knows who any of those bands are she should head back to school. We're glad she did and hopefully we'll get a national anthem out of the deal. And Iiiiiiiiiiiii eeee iiiiiiiiii will always.............